Snowflakes
by SoldierOfMyShadowyMind
Summary: Thomas and Jimmy have become friends and are getting along well. But suddenly Jimmy pushes Thomas away. Thomas cannot understand this and tries to figure out the reason while Jimmy is struggling with his feelings. Set after the series 3 CS
1. Chapter 1

_**AN: This is my first fanfic to be published (but not actually the first one I wrote) so please be kind :)! It's about what I hope will happen in series 4. I hope you enjoy it! Please review! I apologize for any grammar or spelling mistakes.**_

_(Thomas' point of view)_

Thomas stood in the courtyard smoking a cigarette. He looked at the flawless and bright blue sky. Not one little cloud was to be seen. When a light breeze suddenly churned up the cool air, Thomas shivered. Despite the beautiful weather it was really cold outside. A thin snow layer covered the cobblestones of the courtyard. He had almost forgotten that it was close to Christmas. The preparations ran at full steam and they barely had one free minute. Thomas wanted to escape all this hectic rush for a moment and this was the best – and only – chance he could get. He turned round when he heard the sound of steps behind him. They had dragged him out of his daydream.

It was Jimmy.

"What are you doing here outside?" he asked.

"Just needed some rest" Thomas replied.

"No wonder at all this rush inside. I can't understand why Mr Carson makes such a big fuss about it."

"Well, it's close to Christmas."

"Yes, but we have another two weeks."

"Well, that's right. But, you know, a good servant prepares everything in advance so that nothing can go wrong." Thomas smiled jokingly at him.

Jimmy snorted scornfully. "His work is all he lives for, he?"

"That's how we know him. During the eleven years that I'm here now I never known him in any other way. Sometimes I admire his sense of duty."

"Eleven years" Jimmy said under his breath. "How did you stand this for so long?"

Thomas blinked at him in surprise.

"Do you want to leave?" He couldn't hide the disappointment in his voice. Whatever had happened between them, he still liked Jimmy.

"No, certainly not, I was just wondering if…it ever gets boring?"

"Why leave, when I'm in a good position here?" Thomas answered. "I'm lucky to be here and we all should be grateful that we are provided for so well. Not all are as fortunate as we are. Lord Grantham is very generous compared to others of his position, I can tell you. And I'm not saying that to put myself on good terms with him. I've seen under which conditions others of our…social status live and work. And, well, I must say that I'm pleased with what I have. Okay, you're right, you don't get to know much of the world." Thomas made a short pause before he continued. "But what I've seen doesn't let me feel the urge to see more of it."

Jimmy remained silent suddenly feeling embarrassed. He was talking about the war, of course. Thomas had never talked much about his time in the army. The only thing Jimmy knew was that he worked in the medical corps and got injured at the front.

When he didn't answer Thomas said, "Come on, let's go back inside before Mr Carson bites our heads off." The smile he gave Jimmy was careless but Jimmy felt like there was something else under the surface, something Thomas didn't want to talk about.

He tried to return the smile and followed him back in the house.

#

After a long and tiring day full of work Thomas threw himself on his bed. He took a deep breath and allowed the air to pour out of his chest slowly.

_What a day. Man, I'm glad when Christmas is finally over._

_But then there's New Year's Eve._

_Okay then, I'll be happy when the year's over._

He sighed. He closed his eyes for a moment and let his thoughts float. And how else could it be, they led him to Jimmy.

They were friends. Thomas couldn't describe how happy he was about that. Nevertheless, it was very difficult not to show his strong affections for him. It was strange. Now that they were friends, many things were easier for him, others much more difficult. Their conversations had grown more light-hearted. They could talk about almost everything now. Almost. Neither of them ever brought up the things which happened before their friendship. They had a silent agreement about this. Talking about this time only would destroy everything they developed so carefully. Thomas knew it wasn't easy for Jimmy to cope with the fact that Thomas felt more for him than just friendship. On the other hand for Thomas himself it wasn't easy to hide his true feelings.

_What's wrong with you? You could manage it earlier, why not now?_

Perhaps because Jimmy knew about it. Thomas opened his eyes and starred at the ceiling. Things haven't been going as he would like them to, but when did anything ever proceed the way _he _would appreciate it?

_You should be glad that you're still here, after all. You could rot in prison right now, don't forget that. By the way, it's very kind of Jimmy to agree to the friendship. He didn't need to this, after everything that happened._

Often he asked himself if things would have taken a different way if Alfred didn't walk in that fateful night.

_How would he have reacted then?_

Thomas gave himself an imaginary slap in the face.

_Not a bloody bit different! Why should he? He's not like you, face it, you stupid idiot!_

Although this was what Thomas wished the most.

He sighed once more. He only wanted to be as happy as normal couple were. Just once only experience the feeling to love and to be loved.

Were a bit of love and happiness really asking too much? Was he never allowed to have it?

Every time he saw Anna and Bates together he felt like going green with envy. He was aware of all the pain and suffering they had to go through, but eventually everything turned out all right for them.

_I wonder if I'll ever have a partner. A real lover._

_And even if, it won't be Jimmy._

He was painfully aware of this. Their friendship meant everything to him, but…Just only once being allowed to experience this feeling, just only once feeling truly and perfectly happy. No matter what it would cost. If it meant that he had to hide behind a mask he could only drop in the presence of his partner for the rest of his life, or that he always had to watch out not to say anything wrong that could give the others certain ideas. He was willing to accept that. No matter how difficult it would be. In principle he hadn't done anything else until now than hiding his true personality. Behind a facade of arrogance and cynicism. He was tired of pretending. At least in the presence of one person he wanted to be allowed to be who he really was.

_Quite a lot thoughts. Maybe it's better you forget that for a moment and go to bed. Tomorrow there'll be quite a lot work to be done._

Thomas sighed and turned to sleep. Yes, a little bit of sleep would do him good.

#

_(Jimmy's point of view)_

Jimmy lay wake on his bed. He wasn't able to find rest. His thoughts just didn't want to leave him alone. Staring up at the ceiling he tried to think of something else but it didn't work. All his thoughts were circling around Thomas. He didn't even know why. It was quite strange. First, Thomas had just been the valet of His Lordship, then after this…_incident_ Jimmy had wanted to get rid of him as soon as possible and now they were friends.

_Sometimes it's really incomprehensible how life is._

But recently Jimmy suddenly was no longer sure how to think about Thomas.

_He's your friend, what is there to question about?_

Yes, Thomas was his friend, and a really good one, too. Okay, sometimes he was a bit overprotective but Jimmy knew about Thomas' feelings for him. And Thomas just couldn't deny his feelings. They were too strong for being negated. This was quite a strange idea but Jimmy tried his best to cope with it in an appropriate way. Besides, he found it really cute that Thomas wouldn't say one bad word about him.

_After all I did to him._

Did he feel guilty about it, all at once?

_In some ways, yes. Admit it._

Jimmy sighed and watched the moonlight tracing bright splodges at the ceiling of the room. He knew there was something else. Something, Thomas didn't want to talk about because it was too personal.

_Or maybe you're imagining this and he's perfectly normal? Maybe you're the one who's different._

Jimmy thought about it trying to find something. But he couldn't find anything changed in his feelings, couldn't he? He liked to be around Thomas. He really had to admit that. Even if sometimes he still felt slightly awkward to be alone with him, his presence gave him the feeling of being important, needed. But it changed, recently. When they were together he got the impression that they were more distant.

_No, _you _are more distant._

That was right. Thomas' presence had begun to make him nervous and he couldn't say why by no stretch of the imagination. What was different from normal that made him be so thoughtful? Thomas didn't change. Nevertheless, Jimmy had the feeling that…

He stared grimly into the darkness of the room which was only disrupted by the tender moonlight.

_What's wrong with you? Why are you behaving so strangely?_

He didn't understand it. He had noticed that he had begun to think about Thomas more often. That he had begun to perceive him differently. Or, to notice other things about him he never wasted a thought on before. How kind he actually was. How much more handsome he looked when the wind messed up his hair. How gentle his voice was when he spoke to him. How lonely he just had to feel. How beautiful his eyes were. And how sad the expression in these beautiful blue eyes was when he thought no one could see him. This sadness only Jimmy could chase away. All this were things he never thought about before, but now…

What did all that mean?

Angry, Jimmy clenched his fist so hard his nails dug deep into his flesh, leaving aching marks.

_I'm not like him! I'm not…_

With a resigned sigh he closed his eyes. There was no use in thinking about it any longer now. It would only confuse him more.

Jimmy pulled the blanket over his head as if he could hide from his feelings; lock them out so that they wouldn't find him.


	2. Chapter 2

**_Thanks for reviewing! So here's the second chapter. Hope you like it! ;)_**

_(Thomas' Point of View)_

The days passed by and Christmas moved unstoppably closer and closer. It didn't only mean stress. For Thomas it was the most wonderful time of the year. The snow that covered the world outside with a soft white layer let everything appear so light, quiet and peaceful while hectic pace and chaos controlled life inside. But a cheerful spirit filled the air. Everyone was excited about the event of the year and even the hard work could not spoil their good mood.

_And again a year has passed by._

Every time Thomas was surprised how fast it went by. Again a year drew to a close. A year full of experiences, good or bad ones.

_Let's hope that the next year brings something better._

Every Christmas Thomas had only one wish: That the next year would fulfil his desire for company, love and the feeling of security. And at the end of every year he found himself in the same situation still with this burning desire in his heart.

_Accept it. You don't deserve it and you'll never get it. So stop being sentimental._

Thomas nodded to himself.

_True words._

_Enough of lamenting now! Enjoy the feast! You don't want to rain one their parade, do you?_

But he couldn't get rid of the feeling that something else was disturbing the jaunty atmosphere. But however hard he tried he couldn't figure it out.

He just noticed one thing. One thing that made him feel sad and puzzled.

Jimmy avoided him. They hadn't talked to each other for some days except "Good morning", "How are you" and "Goodnight". That made Thomas think. Why did Jimmy suddenly avoid him? What had happened?

_Did I do anything wrong? Did I say something that offended him? Have I been too…close?_

He couldn't get rid of the thought that it was his fault. He had to talk to Jimmy immediately! The problem was that he had to wait for the right moment which hadn't come by yet. They were too busy. Every time he thought he could talk to Jimmy in privacy for at least a few minutes something cropped up. Whether Carson had some extra work for at least one of them or someone else disturbed them; there always seemed to be a reason to keep him from talking properly to Jimmy. But he really had to know what the matter was! This insecurity made him feel uneasy. He wondered if he could bear this any longer.

Finally, one evening there occurred a chance. They had just finished dinner and one after the other began to retire. Thomas waited for the time he finally would be alone with Jimmy but it didn't come to that.

Jimmy felt Thomas' glances lying on him. But he tried hard not to show any reaction. Finally he stood up.

"I think I'll go to bed, too. I'm dead tired."

"Goodnight, Jimmy!" Ivy gave him a big smile.

_If she only would realize that he's not interested! _Thomas thought angrily.

_But he's neither interested in you, you bloody idiot!_

"See you tomorrow." For Thomas' big – and for that matter very awkward – surprise Jimmy returned the smile.

_What was that?! Just one more reason to talk to him as soon as possible. _Properly_ talk._

Ivy slightly blushed at the unexpected attention Jimmy gave her.

Thomas shot a killing gaze across the table towards her but she didn't even notice him.

That was when he suddenly became aware of how jealous he was.

_You're behaving like you own Jimmy! But you don't! He isn't like you! He's your friend, but that doesn't mean that you can forbid him to talk to other people!_

This thought hit him like a slap in the face.

_He's talking to others but not to me. Not anymore._

Jimmy left the servant's hall end went to the kitchen. Thomas followed him.

_That's your chance! Don't screw it up!_

Jimmy put down his cup. He turned round to go but Thomas stood right in front of him in the door and bared his way. Jimmy glanced at him in a not very friendly way and pushed himself past him. But Thomas grabbed his arm.

"We have to talk, Jimmy" he whispered decidedly.

"Get off me!" Jimmy hissed furiously. He snatched his arm out of Thomas grip and turned to go. When he realized that Thomas was following him upstairs he abruptly turned around.

"Weren't you listening?" he snapped. "I don't bloody want to talk to you, get it? So leave me alone!"

"Jimmy, wait…!" Thomas started but was cut short by Jimmy storming up the stairs.

A few seconds later he heard a door slam.

"Bugger!" he mumbled angrily and hit himself with his fist against his forehead.

_You're a bloody fool to believe he's any different from the others!_

Thomas stood on the landing, confused and hurt.

_I thought we're friends. At least we were…_

"Mr Barrow?" His name being called dragged him out of his thoughts. He turned round to see Mrs Hughes standing at the edge of the staircase.

"Yes, Mrs Hughes?"

"Is everything all right with you? You were very silent during the dinner and if I may dare the remark, you're looking quite pale." Honest concern spoke from her eyes.

"I'm fine" Thomas answered a bit too quickly. To sound more convincingly he added hastily, "It' nothing, Mrs Hughes, really. No need to worry. I'm just a bit tired. But so are we all, aren't we?" The last sentence he said in what he hoped was a jokey tone.

Mrs Hughes nodded. "But you tell me if there's something. You know you can always come to me."

Thomas tried to smile. "Certainly. Thank you, Mrs Hughes."

"Goodnight then, Mr Barrow."

"Goodnight, Mrs Hughes."

The housekeeper vanished down the corridor to the servant's hall.

Thomas sighed with relief. With suddenly shaking legs he made his way up the stairs.

He was completely confused. He wanted to understand Jimmy, he really did, but he could not as long as his friend refused to tell him what the matter was.

_Your friend._

Their friendship meant so much to Thomas. He would do everything to save it. He did not want to lose Jimmy as his friend.

_Your only friend._

Thomas' face darkened at this thought. But it was true. Jimmy was the only _real_ friend he had. Of course some of the others were nice to him, too. Especially Anna. She seemed to overlook his earlier mistakes and she didn't mind that he was who he was. She knew that he actually wasn't a bad man. He had just hidden his true personality behind a mask all the time.

_Maybe you shouldn't have let it brake down._

But…would he have made friends with Jimmy then? Well, their friendship had come about under strange condition. But what would have happened if the…_incident_ never happened? If he never let himself get carried away into stealing that kiss?

_You know O'Brien. You should have known better!_

Thomas grimaced into the darkness of his room.

_A bit too much conjunctive._

He shook his head. There was no use in thinking about what _could have _happened. He had to confront himself with the present and face the truth.

_But which truth?_

He really had to find out what was bothering Jimmy. What led him into avoiding him.

_Well, this won't be easy as he doesn't speak with you._

Bugger! Thomas felt terribly helpless. The ignorance really got to him, but what could he do?

_If it's something I said? Then it most likely won't be clever to force him to talking to me. But I'm only worrying about him!_

Thomas stood at the window looking out at snow-covered estate.

_All white. Just like your thoughts._

He had no idea what was going on with Jimmy.

_If I only could read minds!_

_Be careful with what you wish, Thomas!_

In front of his window the snowflakes swirled in the approaching night. It was so quiet and peaceful out there. Just in total contrast to the chaos inside of him.

#

_(Jimmy's Point of View)_

Jimmy slumped himself on his bed. What did Thomas want from him? Why was he following him all the time? Why did he always have to be right there where Jimmy was? On the other hand…Didn't he want just that? That Thomas was near him?

Feeling anger rising inside his chest he pressed a pillow over his face.

_Why does everything ever have to be so complicated?_

The problem was that Jimmy didn't want to think about it. He'd rather ban these thoughts from his mind. But they were here and he couldn't do anything against it. He couldn't get rid of the feeling that something had changed. But he did not want that something changed between him and Thomas! It was good as it was right now. They were friends and he wanted this to remain.

_Why are you pushing him away, then?_

Jimmy frowned at the pillow.

_Shut up! _he scolded himself.

He had to work out what was going on inside of him.

_But this will only work if you think about it. _Without _losing your temper._

If it only was as easy as it sounded like! But his inner voice was right. He had to make up his mind about how he stood to Thomas. What he felt for him.

_What's that for a stupid question?! Friendship! Nothing more!_

That wouldn't come to anything. He just couldn't think straight of anything. And he really didn't want to lose Thomas as a friend. He liked him despite everything that had happened. The past didn't count anymore.

Nevertheless, he thought much more about that night recently. When Thomas came into his room and…

_Argh! Not that again! You should stop that immediately!_

Jimmy bit his lip until he tasted blood. The pain numbed his thoughts for a while, but they returned.

_Would you have reacted the same way if Alfred hadn't walked in that night?_

_Of course! It was a criminal offence what he did!_

Suddenly Jimmy felt ashamed for his thoughts.

_No. It may be against the law but he didn't want to hurt you. He was just…_

Yes, what? Jimmy hardly dared to think this thought to an end. He couldn't say why. There was nothing bad in it and he knew about it now for quite some time. He never thought much about it.

_He was just in love._

_No._

_He _is _in love. Don't forget that. He still loves you even if he tries to hide it. He doesn't want to bother you with that because he knows how you would react. He doesn't want to risk your friendship. It just means too much to him._

Jimmy threw the pillow against the wall and gritted his teeth. Since when did he start to think about such things?! He sighed and tried to calm himself down. That wouldn't lead to anything. He never would figure out a solution by constantly losing his temper.

Suddenly he realized how cold it was in his room. He stood up and went over to the window. For a while he just stood there watching the snowflakes flying lightly and untroubled through the air.

_They have no worries. They're just beautiful._

A lonely snowflake lost its way and touched the window. Jimmy looked at the fragile construction. It was just so frail and beautiful. For a short moment he lost himself totally in this sight. Suddenly he realized that he was wondering what Thomas was doing right now.

_How will he think of you now? After you pushed him away so harshly…_

_I would understand if he's angry._

But there was something different in Thomas' eyes when he stopped him on the staircase just minutes ago.

There wasn't just sadness but also...

_Pain. That's what I saw in his eyes._

_What am I doing here, for Heaven's sake?! I don't want to hurt him! I'm just not sure about my feelings towards him…_

_So they have changed._

Jimmy turned away from the window. He lowered his head and looked at the dark deals under his feet. He didn't know what to think. What to feel. He was so terribly churned up inside.

Somehow he felt badly.

_Try to think of something else. Tomorrow everything will look different._

Jimmy snorted.

_Hopefully._


	3. Chapter 3

_**Sorry for the late update. But since school started again some days ago I'm quite busy. Nevertheless, I hope you like this one! ;) Maybe it's a bit too dramatic but I felt like writing it that way ;). I apologize for any grammar mistakes.**_

* * *

_(Thomas' point of view)_

_Jimmy doesn't look like he slept much last night,_ Thomas thought when the young footman sat down at the table in the servant's hall for breakfast the next morning.

_As if I slept any better._

In fact Thomas had laid wake half the night. This was one of the reasons for his bad mood today. He sat at the table staring into his cup of tea. He couldn't eat anything, he felt sick at the only thought of it. The collywobbles didn't grow any better at the sight of Jimmy.

_Today I have to talk to him!_

Thomas really intended to do this. He knew that it wouldn't be easy to get Jimmy into a conversation between just the two of them for only a few minutes, but then, did he have any choice?

After the breakfast Thomas took him aside.

_Now or never._

"What's the matter, Jimmy? Why do you keep avoiding me?" Thomas asked. He whispered but his voice was sharp.

"Nothing's the matter!" Jimmy still tried to get out of it.

"Don't lie to me! I'm not blind Jimmy! I can see that something's wrong. Is it me? Did I say anything…"

"No. It's not because of you."

"What's it then?"

"It's nothing! When will you ever learn that?!"

"You can't make a fool of me, Jimmy. And you won't convince me." Thomas took a step towards him.

"Leave me alone!" Jimmy protested, but he lowered his eyes to the floor.

"Not until you told me what's going on with you." Thomas' voice was more insistent now. He really had to control himself not to shout.

"I've got work to do" was all Jimmy answered. He turned round, his eyes still glued to the ground and went hastily towards the kitchen.

Thomas looked after him, uncomprehendingly. What was going on with him? His behaviour wasn't normal at all! Suddenly he felt helplessness rise inside him. Helplessness and sadness. He felt horribly useless. How should he help if Jimmy didn't tell him what the matter was?

_Maybe he does not want your help. Maybe it's time to face the truth and to accept that he doesn't want to be your friend any longer._

Thomas narrowed his eyes to the ground. He could hardly bear this thought. It hurt so much. He almost felt physical pain thinking about it. Abruptly he turned around and went outside in the courtyard. It was freezing cold and the wind was fierce but he didn't mind. The cigarette burning between his shaking fingers deafened the pain for the time being. At least it engulfed it into an opaque cloud of smoke so that Thomas could escape it for a while and didn't have to look into its face.

_But you'll have to, eventually._

Bugger! Why had life always to be so rude and unfair to him? He had had to go through a lot of things yet. Wasn't that more than enough? Well, he hadn't always been an honourable man but he did change! Why did he have to suffer again?

_Others are in a much worse situation than you are. So don't always complain, _his inner voice said.

_But some are in a better one, _another one replied. It was the voice of the old Thomas.

Feverishly he tried to think of something else.

_Christmas._

A good topic. There would be much work to do on Christmas Eve. But honestly Thomas welcomed the work with open arms. In this way he wouldn't be constantly thinking about Jimmy.

_Great, now you're thinking about him as well._

Thomas had to admit it. Jimmy controlled his thoughts.

_But it was always like that, wasn't it? What's worse now?_

_You know it exactly!_

Actually he shouldn't be so shocked and upset about the whole thing. Jimmy didn't feel like him und this would never change. Maybe he just couldn't cope with their friendship. And it had always seemed he could…

Thomas sighed. He realized that his breath was shaking.

He had known it right from the beginning that it was impossible. There won't be anything between him and Jimmy. Never.

Thomas threw the cigarette butt on the ground and extinguished it. He took a last deep breath and went back into the house.

#

_(Jimmy's point of view)_

"What does Mr Barrow want from you all the time, he?" Alfred looked at him curiously.

"What do you mean?" Jimmy replied as innocent as possible.

"Well, he always tries to talk to you, isn't he? It seems to me like there's something he wants to tell you."

"I'm fine. I don't know what that could be you're talking about." Jimmy tried hard to sound disinterested.

But Alfred didn't give up. "Do you really believe I'm not noticing it?" he urged. "That you're avoiding him?" He leaned closer to Jimmy. "Did he…"

"For God's sake, Alfred! Shut up!" Jimmy had to pull himself together not to lose his temper.

"Okay, okay, I just wanted…" Alfred's apologise was cut off by Jimmy's furious hiss. "I said shut up! Is that so difficult to understand?"

"What're you doing, boys?" That was Mrs Patmore's voice. Jimmy thanked her silently for her intervention. "It's enough with fuss for today. And now hurry up! Or do you suppose Lord Grantham prefers his dinner to be eaten cold?"

"Would be a nice change" Jimmy murmured in a crabby voice. His mood changed from bad to worse in only a few seconds.

_New record, I suppose._

"I didn't hear that, James!" The cook placed a plate filled with meat onto Jimmy's tray. "And now off you go!"

With a dark expression on his face Jimmy took the tray and rushed out of the room.

"What's the matter with Jimmy today?" he heard Ivy ask.

_That's none of your business! So keep your damn nose out of my affairs!_

He barely noticeable shook his head. Things really had to look bad for him when he bawled at Ivy in his mind for just asking a – most likely well-meant – question.

_But sometimes Alfred can be really annoying and stupid!_

Jimmy stared straight ahead grimly while he followed the other footman to the dining room.

_But that's no excuse and it doesn't change your situation._

_Great, and what do you suppose I should do?_

_You have to talk to him! You can't escape that forever. You have to tell him eventually so why not now?_

_But am I really sure of it? If I say something now and I'm not sure yet then I could give him false hope and I don't want him to…_

_Make up your mind, Jimmy!_

"James!"

Jimmy looked up, alarmed. He had been totally lost in thought and therefore didn't notice that he'd thrown the meat in Lady Violet's lap.

"Oh, I'm very sorry my Lady, I was just…"

"Never mind. No need to fuss." The old Lady Grantham folded her napkin. Jimmy hurriedly cleaned up the traces of the little accident. When he was just about to leave the dining room, Carson, who had watched it all, shot him a furious look.

"I'm sorry, Mr Carson, I was lost in thought."

"Yes, I noticed that" the butler snapped back acidly. "It seems that you are 'lost in thought' very often. I do not want this to happen again one more time, is that understood?"

"Very good, Mr Carson" Jimmy replied sheepishly.

"Alfred will serve as first footman for the rest of the evening and you will follow him as second."

Jimmy nodded silently and vanished.

_Can it even get worse than this?_

Jimmy returned to the kitchen and slumped into a chair, tired and in an awful bad mood. Ivy came up to him immediately.

"You alright, Jimmy? You're not looking quite happy" she stated.

As Jimmy refused to answer Daisy interfered. "Don't you see that he doesn't want to talk to you? You better come on and help me with the soufflé."

Jimmy glanced up at her and smiled gratefully.

_Thank you, Daisy__._

_#_

After the dinner had finished and also the servants had eaten their supper Jimmy helped in the kitchen. He didn't want to go to bed yet for he knew he would just lay wake on his bed, thinking. A bit of work would distract him from it for at least one hour. While he was putting some plates into one of the cupboards he whispered to Daisy, "Thanks again for earlier. You were my resort."

"Never mind" Daisy said with a shy smile. "Ivy can jolly much be obtrusive."

Jimmy smiled. And for the first time this day it was an honestly friendly smile. "Indeed."

He looked at Daisy. "I owe you something."

"Thanks." The assistant cook returned the smile. After a moment of silence she asked, "Can I ask you something, Jimmy?"

"Certainly. Whatever you want." Jimmy's mood had brightened up a little.

"Do you know what the matter with Thomas is? He seems so strange lately. He's always so cold and quiet and never answers when you ask him something."

_Interesting. At least she doesn't think _you _are behaving strangely._

Jimmy looked at her in surprise until he remembered that Daisy had been used to call the under-butler by his first name. He shrugged.

"Thomas? Don't know what's wrong with him. He doesn't talk to me either."

_Watch out what you're saying, Jimmy!_

"Do you think we have to worry? Maybe he's ill?"

"No, I don't think so. I mean, you know him much better than I do but I think this whole Christmas fuss is absorbing him. But we all feel the same, don't we?"

Daisy nodded in response. "You're bloody well right. Mrs Patmore is even more commanding than usual."

Jimmy grinned at her. Her worry for Thomas was due to the fact that she liked him very much in earlier times as she had told him once.

_Well, to put it bluntly she totally fell for him. She really had a crush on him._

_Somehow understandable. I mean he does look quite handsome…_

Jimmy's breath caught. He was startled about himself.

_Oh. My. God! I didn't seriously think that, did I?_

_Well, it jolly well looks like I did._

Jimmy shook his head to get rid of this – admittedly terrifying – thought. That couldn't be true! Since when did he rate Thomas' appearance?

"Is something the matter, Jimmy?" Daisy carefully touched his arm. She looked at him in concern.

"No. No, nothing's the matter" Jimmy lied quickly to reassure her. "I think I'm getting tired."

"You really should go to bed. You're looking quite pale right now."

"A good advice. See you tomorrow then, Daisy."

"Goodnight!"

Jimmy left the kitchen with large steps. For a second he stood in the corridor thinking about going out into the courtyard to catch a bit of fresh air but then decided he wouldn't.

_Better not. It's too likely that I meet Thomas outside._

Finally he made his way upstairs to the servant's quarters.

#

_(Thomas' point of view)_

Thomas froze. Did Jimmy really say that just now?

_No, you must have misheard._

But the words echoed in his head.

'_Thomas? Don't know what's wrong with him. He doesn't talk to me either.'_

Did Jimmy put the blame on him? Thomas couldn't believe that. That could not be true! It just couldn't! Jimmy wouldn't say such things!

_Well, he has done it, though, hasn't he?_

Thomas hung his head. He felt tears prickle in his eyes. He made desperate efforts to suppress them.

_No, not now! Not here!_

He took a deep breath and tried to calm down. But that was easier said than done. He nervously glanced around before he left his spot next to the kitchen door and hurried outside. He had wanted to go into the kitchen to see if there was anything to be done but then he suddenly had heard Jimmy speak and had stopped. Well, and then…

He leaned against the cool wall in the courtyard. The wind messed up his hair and Thomas shivered. But the coldness did him good. It let him calm down a little. For a few moments he just stood there and stared at the dawn. Then he suddenly felt the tears again and this time he didn't even try to fight them. Silently they flowed down his cheeks. It felt like they would immediately freeze into icy pearls in the chilly air. Thomas felt his knees turning to jelly. He could hardly stand straight and finally he let himself, totally abandoned to his fate, slide down along the wall. The snow was smooth but cold and before long his clothes were all wet. But he didn't mind. He scarcely recognized it. He rocked back and forth like a little child while he cried. Quiet sobs escaped his chest. It was only good that no one saw him here. He felt his heart racing at full speed and the tears didn't want to dry. Thomas gave free rein to them. He allowed the pain to completely take possession of himself.

_Why does he do that? Why?!_

It wasn't much Jimmy had said and every other day Thomas would just have ignored it. But not today. Not today for Jimmy had been pretending that Thomas didn't exist for almost a week now. It just hurt. The fact that their friendship didn't mean anything to Jimmy anymore hurt so badly.

_If he doesn't want my company anymore he should just say it right into my face! But not this way!_

Thomas embraced his chest to warm himself up a little but more likely to not completely lose the grip on himself and sobbed quietly. This couldn't be true! He couldn't believe it. He didn't _want _to believe it!

#

_(Jimmy's point of view)_

Jimmy stood at the window and looked down into the courtyard. This evening it didn't snow but the snow of the last days glistened pale white. It illuminated the night also without any moonlight. Jimmy raised his eyes to the sky. It was dark. Tonight it was new moon and all the stars were hidden by thick grey clouds.

_This weather suits your grotty mood._

While he was standing at the open window in the cold breeze he suddenly heard something. A quiet sound which seemed to come from the courtyard. First Jimmy barely noticed it but when he concentrated on it the whatever-it-was grew clearer. He leaned a bit out of the window to see if there was someone down in the courtyard. In fact, he could see the dark contour of a huddled figure.

_Who's that? And what does he do there?_

Jimmy looked closer. The figure had dark hair and….

_Oh no. Thomas!_

_What does he do out there so late in the night?_

Then there was this sound again. It sounded like…

_He's crying? That can't be true! He can't be crying!_

Jimmy seemed to be frozen in the place. It took some time before he could shake off the shock and was finally able to move. He stepped back, his eyes still glued to the sight outside the window. There was no doubt. The figure down in the courtyard was Thomas. And obviously…

With a sudden jerk Jimmy closed the window.

_That's all your fault! He must have heard what you said in the kitchen! You bloody git! You have to better watch out what you're saying!_

Restless and unsettled Jimmy paced up and down the room. Going to sleep was totally out of the question. He had to do something. He felt guilty.

_I didn't mean to hurt Thomas! I couldn't know he was listening! And I didn't say anything bad though!_

'_Thomas? Don't know what's wrong with him. He doesn't talk to me either.'_

Jimmy hit his forehead with his flat hand.

You _are the one who does not talk to _him_! Not the other way round!_

_What the hell did you do, Jimmy?!_

He had to put things straight that immediately. But how? He couldn't just go out and try to comfort Thomas. No, that wasn't possible at all.

_He'll ignore you. Tomorrow as well. You can prepare yourself for that._

Feverishly Jimmy searched his mind for a suitable solution. Eventually he took a deep breath. There was only one opportunity.

_You have to talk to him. You have to tell him how you feel._

This thought sent cold shivers up and down Jimmy's spine. He still didn't know exactly how to deal with his changed feelings.

_You must accept it. There's no alternative. Besides…It would make you both happy, wouldn't it?_

_But what if…what if he hasn't feelings for me anymore? What if he's sad because of something else?_

Jimmy shook his head forcefully.

_No, if that's the case he wouldn't cry. He's much too proud for that._

He had no choice. He had to confess Thomas his true feelings for him.

_Above all, what's so bad with that? He's man, okay. And it's against the law but…_

Could law forbid love?

_No, that's not happening because we want it to but by coincidence._

_Coincidence._

_Really?_

Jimmy dropped his body onto the bed and buried his face in his hands. Why did everything always have to be so complicated?

He sighed.

_Yes, it can get worse._


	4. Chapter 4

_**School's keeping me busy! I hope I can update in shorter intervals from now on ;)! Hope you like this one.**_

_** mcabby80: Thanks very much for constantly reading and reviewing! **_

* * *

The next day everything was as Jimmy had feared. Thomas avoided him all along. He even refused to look at him.

_How shall I talk to him when he's pretending that I do not exist?_

The irony in the whole thing was that their roles had changed completely. Now Jimmy was the one who was waiting for a moment to be alone with Thomas while Thomas made an effort to avoid exactly that.

Jimmy had a bad conscience. He knew that he had hurt Thomas. Even if his words hadn't been that hard they had a certain significance. Especially right now.

Jimmy was hanging around in the servant's hall when he suddenly saw Thomas going down the corridor.

_That's my chance!_

He immediately jumped to his feet and ran after Thomas. When he caught up to him he slowed down his steps. It shouldn't look like he ran because of Thomas.

"Thomas?" Jimmy asked.

Thomas turned around but didn't stop when he saw Jimmy.

"Thomas, wait!" Jimmy grabbed the arm of his friend.

Thomas broke away irately. "What do you want?" he snapped.

His voice intimidated Jimmy. But he pulled himself together and said in what he hoped was a steady tone,

"I need to talk to you."

"Don't you say!" Thomas turned away from him and went on down the corridor.

"Yes, now! And it's important!"

The under-butler stopped, obviously annoyed. "And what is it that you need to distract me from working?"

_Our roles are really swapped. He almost seems threatening when he's talking in that way._

"I need to clarify something" Jimmy explained. "And apologize."

Thomas raised an eyebrow, still totally unaffected. "For what?"

"Can we discuss that outside? I don't want-"

But Thomas cut him off. "Why? You want to talk to me? Here I am. Here is just as good as anywhere else. Now then, what's the matter?"

Jimmy swallowed hard.

_He's totally different from the way he was yesterday. Last night he was so…weak and sad and today…_

Jimmy didn't manage to look at Thomas. There was a vicious gleam in his beautiful blue eyes and the expression on his face almost scared Jimmy.

"I…err…" he stammered. "I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry for giving you the cold shoulder. It's not what you think…" His voice trailed off.

"And may I know the reason for your behaviour?" Thomas' voice was a copy of his expression. But Jimmy thought to hear something rough in it. A sad undertone which Thomas couldn't hide entirely.

_He sat outside all alone, crying…_

"Ehm…I…needed a bit of a distance to come to terms with something. With our friendship to say it precisely."

_Oh my God, what am I doing?!_

Thomas just looked at him and waited for him to continue.

"The thing is…"

"What?" The under-butler seemed to get impatient.

"I…I can't do that! I'm sorry but I can't tell you! I just can't!" Jimmy suddenly burst out. And with that he turned around and ran away. He left a totally perplex and speechless Thomas standing in the corridor.

"Jimmy!" Thomas called after him. But that was all he managed to say.

#

_What was THAT? I thought you were ready! You wanted to tell him and instead you run away! You're such a coward!_

Jimmy couldn't understand himself anymore. He really intended to tell Thomas everything and then that! This couldn't be true!

_One more evidence for how complicated things are._

It hadn't been easy for Jimmy to accept his true feelings but now that he had managed to do so he actually had considered it to be easy to express what he felt.

_But it isn't like that as one can see._

What should he do now? He couldn't look Thomas in the eyes anymore. He was ashamed of his performance in the corridor a few minutes ago and of his whole silly behaviour last week. Jimmy leaned against the kitchen wall. He would have to try again.

_But this time I'd be better prepared._

_#_

_(Thomas' point of view)_

Thomas stared after him. He first had to arrange his mind to realize what just had happened. What did Jimmy want to tell him?

_The reason why he kept avoiding you._

Yes, but he had mentioned something else. He had to clarify something.

_What can that be?_

Then the scales fell from his eyes. He had mentioned their friendship!

_He said he needed some distance to come to terms with our friendship._

_With the fact that he wants to end it._

Thomas felt the emptiness taking possession of him. But this time it seemed to deafen any other feeling. Only helplessness and fear remained. He couldn't do anything against it.

_It's over. Face it._

Well, he had to accept that.

_But not without knowing the reason why!_

Where was Jimmy? He had to find him immediately!

#

Thomas didn't see his friend not even once the whole day. They were both so busy that he had not one free minute to look for Jimmy. Only late this evening after dinner they saw each other again. Thomas was ready to stand up every second to run after Jimmy but his friend didn't seem to have the intention to go. Finally only the two of them and Anna were left in the servant's hall.

"I think I'll go to bed. It's very late" Anna announced eventually.

Thomas raised his head to look at her. "Goodnight, Anna" he said.

She smiled. "Don't stay up for too long. You're looking quite tired!"

Thomas also tried a little smile but he didn't succeed. "No need to be concerned."

Anna nodded her goodnight to him and Jimmy and vanished.

Thomas drew his attention back to his newspaper again. He pretended to read it all along but over the top of the page he stealthily watched Jimmy who was staring steadfastly into his cup of tea and appeared to be quite absent.

_I wish I knew what he's thinking about._

Despite the whole thing Thomas didn't manage to be cross with Jimmy for long.

_I'm very sorry but you're much too sweet for that._

He sighed inwardly. O'Brien had been shooting him strange looks all the time during dinner and afterwards.

_She's curious, of course, this bloody old hag. She gets wind of stuff for a new intrigue._

Thomas could barely manage to resist the urge to laugh.

_And you were her partner in crime, remember?_

He could hardly believe that.

_Concentrate!_

Thomas conducted his eyes back to Jimmy and let his gaze linger on the young, handsome footman.

_Well, that's your problem. You drive me crazy. That's the reason why I can't be cross with you._

_Even if you've hurt me so much._

Eventually Thomas cleared his throat. "Jimmy?"

Jimmy didn't move.

"Jimmy? Are you alright?"

Now he looked up, a bit startled. "What? Err…yes, why shouldn't I?"

"Because you're staring into your tea for ages now. It's gone cold hours ago." Thomas didn't know how to start.

Jimmy shrugged. "I've been…thinking."

_What's the point._

Thomas asked him directly. "What was it you wanted to tell me this morning?"

Caught off-guard, Jimmy glanced up. He merely looked at Thomas but didn't say anything.

Thomas sighed and folded his newspaper. He leaned across the table closer to his friend.

"Jimmy, what's the matter?" he asked in a gentle, caring voice. "Please, tell me. I need to know it. I can't bear sitting here and doing nothing when obviously something isn't right with you. Why don't you let me help you?"

Jimmy watched the grain of the wooden table intensively. After an unbearably long pause he finally muttered, "I'm fine."

"Well, I'm relieved to hear that. But please explain to me what's bothering you. Jimmy, I'm worried about you. And by the way…Why do keep avoiding me? What did I do wrong? Tell me and I'll try to make up for it, but tell me! Please!"

"You did nothing wrong. No one did anything wrong." Jimmy sounded tired, exhausted. Thomas worries only increased.

"What's it then?"

"It's me."

"Pardon?"

"I am my problem, Thomas."

The more Jimmy said it the more strangely it sounded.

Thomas crinkled his forehead. "I don't understand what you mean."

"You can't understand it anyway." Jimmy's eyes were still glued to the table.

"Then will you explain it to me?" Thomas tried to sound as sympathetic as possible what wasn't an easy task due to the fact that their friendship was at risk.

When Jimmy didn't respond he took a deep sigh and spoke the most difficult and hard words that had ever passed his lips. "Listen, Jimmy. I know that I made several mistakes in the past. I feel honestly sorry for it and you know that. I'm indescribably happy that we're friends now and I…I always thought that…you could manage to deal with my…kind. But if you don't or…if I'm not good company for you then you have to tell me. I can cope with that. It's ok. Our friendship means everything to me but if you think it'll be better when we end it, then it's ok. Really. I only need to know it."

Eventually Jimmy raised his head. When their eyes met Thomas saw to his great horror that Jimmy's eyes were filled with tears.

"Jimmy…" He reached out a hand but Jimmy pulled his arm away. Thomas immediately hung his head, his eyes on his hands. He felt his cheeks blush.

"No" Jimmy said suddenly. "No. I don't want to hear that. Not one word of it."

"What?" With a tiny bit of hope rising in his chest but also cautiously Thomas raised his head. "You mean…you didn't avoid me because…"

Jimmy shook his head. "No. You're my friend, Thomas. My best friend. And that won't change. At least I hope so…"

"But…"

Jimmy cut him off. "I pushed you away because…I needed some time on my own to come to terms with something. I'm sorry if I've hurt you but there was no other way. I just needed to be alone."

"But what for?" Thomas' voice trembled. What was Jimmy talking about?

"I…What you said that's…that's…Damn it!" Jimmy hit his forehead with his hand and let himself droop onto the table. Then he raised his head again and mumbled with his eyes still directed down,

"That's not true. On the contrary. I like being your friend. I feel very comfortable when I'm with you. I…I like you very much, Thomas. That's the problem. I…I suddenly don't know how to feel anymore because…because I think that…My feelings towards you have changed and…I don't know how to say, I…" Jimmy broke off. His features were full of pain but Thomas didn't understand where this pain came from. He carefully touched Jimmy's hand.

"That doesn't matter, Jimmy. I have time. I just don't understand what you're trying to tell me."

Jimmy raised his head in such a sudden movement that Thomas flinched shocked.

"You don't?" he asked. There was a hint of disappointment in his voice.

_Pain, disappointment…What's the matter with him?_

"You…you don't understand it?"

"No." Thomas shook his head.

"Then there's no point in this." Jimmy scratched back his chair and stood up.

"Jimmy, wait, where are going?" Thomas looked at him in consternation.

"To bed."

"But…Jimmy, I thought…I thought you finally wanted to tell me what the matter is? Why you avoided me?"

"I did already."

"What?"

"I told you. Everything."

Thomas didn't understand what his friend was saying.

"No you did not, you just…"

"I did." Jimmy lowered his head. His voice was but a whisper when he added, "Think about my words, about what I told you. Then you'll know."

"But I –"

Once again Jimmy interrupted him. "Goodnight." And with that he disappeared.

Thomas watched the retreating figure, feeling inwardly puzzled and almost shattered. He had hoped to eventually figure out the reason for Jimmy's cold behaviour towards him, but instead he was just more confused. Thomas sat motionless on his chair staring at the empty space right before him for a while. He couldn't say how long he sat there till he finally shook off the numbness and stood up. Slowly he went up the stairs to the servant's quarters and down the corridor to his room. Not without passing Jimmy's door. Thomas stopped undecidedly whether to knock or not. But then he decided he wouldn't. No, he had to think. He had to do what Jimmy had told him to and think about his friend's words.

Thomas sat on his bed, exhausted. But whatever what way he looked at it Jimmy's words didn't seem to make any sense. The more he thought about them, the more he repeated them in his mind, the more strange and confusing they sounded.

_It's exactly the contrary of what I expected. Nevertheless, I don't understand him._

Thomas sighed.

_Go to bed. Or at least try to sleep. You will figure out what he meant. Eventually._

Thomas stood in front of his mirror. How tired he looked! There were dark circles around his eyes. He definitely slept too little. He splashed cold water into his face. The sudden touch made him cringe.

_But it doesn't make you think clearer._

He felt goosebumps rise up his arms. But finally he gave in and sank into the pillows. He couldn't fight his tired body which was crying for rest for long and his eyelids grew heavier and heavier until he at last allowed them to close. Only seconds later he was fast asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

_**Thanks for the nice reviews! They're really appreciated! ;D Love you ;)**_

* * *

The next morning brought more fresh-fallen snow. Thomas felt as if the snow obscured his mind so that he couldn't think clear anymore. Jimmy's words kept floating through his mind. He still didn't discover their meaning. And they only seem to say,

_I like it that we're friends._

Thomas didn't manage to recognize the deeper meaning. The only possible explanation which haunted his mind was that Jimmy finally had developed feelings for him.

_That's nonsense and you know that! So stop thinking about impossibilities!_

Suddenly he remembered something he had said to Carson after Alfred had told on him and he had to justify his actions.

'_It's not against the law to hope.'_

Well, that was right. But…no! Thomas choked down the hope which was beginning to rise in his chest.

_Don't dare to think about that only one more time! You know that it's nothing but a pipe-dream!_

It was something Thomas imagined for a long time now and wished so desperately that the only thought of Jimmy meaning possibly exactly this got unbearable.

_It is possible. It would be a possibility to interpret his words._

_One out of thousands. Of course you pick out the one that's best for you! Besides, you shouldn't twist his words to make them suitable for you!_

Thomas had to force himself to pull himself together and ban the thought, how wonderful it may be, from his mind.

When he descended the staircase and reached the servant's hall everything was drowning in chaos again.

_Christmas is just around the corner, remember?_

Today Jimmy looked even worse than yesterday. He obviously didn't sleep a wink the whole night.

_If I only knew what the matter is…_

It couldn't be that it troubled Jimmy so much just to tell him that their friendship was important to him. There was something more, something Jimmy hid from him...

_I have to know what it is._

But Thomas had no time to figure it out. Mr Carson made demands on him the whole day so that he hadn't any time to ask Jimmy about the meaning of his words.

Alfred seemed to have much time to get on his nerves, though.

"What's the matter with you, Mr Barrow?"

Thomas turned around in surprise. He was about to check on the silver for tonight's dinner. "What should be the matter?"

"You're behaving quite strange lately. What have you done to Jimmy?"

That overshot the mark. "Nothing! And I don't consider this to be any of your damn business! You better get back to work! I bet Mr Carson gave you enough of it!"

Alfred nodded meekly and disappeared.

_What was that?! That's none of his bloody business!_

In his sudden rage he must have dropped something because all of a sudden Anna stood in the doorway.

"Is everything all right?"

"Certainly. I…"

Anna stepped into the room and came over to him. "Thomas, you're really not looking good. What happened?" Her voice was mild but at the same time insistent.

Thomas felt the sudden urge to tell her everything but he suppressed it. Instead he just said,

"I only had…a little argument with Jimmy. Nothing to worry about just…"

Anna gently touched his arm. "Everything will be alright" she reassured him. "Jimmy looked quite downcast this morning, too. Just talk to him in a quiet moment, then it'll be just fine. Don't worry too much about it."

"Thank you, Anna." Somehow her words had cheered him up.

The rest of the day went by uneventfully. But also without any possibility for Thomas to speak with Jimmy. It was afternoon when Thomas had to go upstairs to fetch something. He walked down one of the endlessly long corridors when he suddenly became aware of a noise. He stopped, alarmed.

_What was that?_

It seemed to come from one of the guestrooms. One of the doors was left ajar. Warily Thomas stepped up to it and cracked it open a bit more. He froze in place when he saw Jimmy sitting in the room his face buried in his hands. He was crying.

_Jimmy!_

Unsure of what to do Thomas moved closer to him. "Jimmy?" he asked in a cautious voice. "Hey, what happened?" Now he stood right in front of him.

First Jimmy seemed not to notice him. But then he realized the presence of his friend.

"Go away" he sniffed.

"Certainly not" Thomas replied decidedly. He squatted in front of the chair Jimmy was sitting on and looked at his friend in worry.

"What's the matter?" he repeated softly.

But Jimmy didn't answer. Instead he suppressed another sob.

"Go. Please. Leave me alone" he finally brought himself to say.

Thomas didn't even consider that. He reached out a hand and placed it on Jimmy's shoulder. When his friend abruptly pushed it away Thomas jumped up in shock and stumbled back. This was the moment their eyes met. Thomas was scared at the expression on Jimmy's face.

_The same pain as last night._

Jimmy's eyes were filled with tears but there was a certain anger in it. An anger Thomas hadn't seen before.

A few heartbeats he just stood there and stared at him before he finally managed to tear himself away from his sight and turn around. With quick large steps he went towards the door. He had almost reached it when Jimmy suddenly called after him.

"Thomas, wait…"

The moment Thomas turned around again Jimmy ran towards him and flung his arms around him. He pressed his face against Thomas' chest. Thomas stood there thunderstruck. He didn't dare to move. The embrace was almost brutal in its fierceness and it surprised and startled Thomas at the same time. Finally he gained enough confidence to put his arms around Jimmy. The hands on his back he felt the unsteady breath of his friend. He realized that his own heart was gaining speed. He tenderly hugged Jimmy. But all of a sudden Jimmy pulled away and stormed past him out of the room without another word. Thomas remained completely stunned and irritated.

A few minutes had passed when he managed to move again. Slowly and with uncertain steps he made his way back to the kitchen.

Daisy eyed him curiously. "You're looking like you've just seen a ghost, Thomas."

"Well that doesn't prevent you from calling him properly" Carson's voice boomed from behind her.

Daisy spun around, startled. "Yes, of course, Mr Carson." Then she went back to her work.

Thomas said nothing during this little conversation. His thoughts were with Jimmy. Or with what he did just now. It had been so sudden and Thomas didn't know what to think of it.

_First he avoids me, then he talks such muddle-headed stuff, and then he suddenly hugs me. What's going on?_

The rest of the evening Thomas was in a state of trance. His thoughts were all circling around this moment and he couldn't tear himself away from it. He didn't see Jimmy for the rest of the evening.

Eventually Thomas forced himself to go to bed.

_Tomorrow's Christmas Eve. You should be well-rested._


	6. Chapter 6

The morning of the 24th of December began quietly and nice. The winter weather outside was just wonderful. The sky was bright blue and the sun shone. Everything was covered by a thick, white sow layer. It could be such a beautiful day but Thomas wasn't interested in the sight of the Christmassy world outside. He was still alienated by the…_incident_ of the previous day.

_How shall I interpret this?_

Could it be that Thomas was right with his assumption and Jimmy really did begin to feel something more for him? He immediately felt the hope rise inside of him. For a short moment he allowed it to stay but then he chased it away. No, this was absurd. This couldn't be.

_But why else should he have reacted this way? Why else did he hug me?_

_There are millions of possible reasons! He could have cried for various matters and just needed a bit of comfort._

_Nevertheless…_

The thought was just too wonderful.

_Too good to be true._

Thomas sighed while he was dressing up.

_You just think too much. There's a simple and obvious solution for this all. It lies right before you and you're just not seeing it because you're thinking much too complicated._

He looked at his reflection in the mirror.

_You look like a wreck._

He washed his face but it didn't really help to dislodge the tiredness from his eyes. He tried to put on a cheerful smile. It felt forced and fake but he wasn't in the condition for more.

_Merry Christmas, Thomas!_

The smile faded. Thomas turned away from his reflection and went up to the door.

_Well, then. Try to pretend as if everything's alright. Today's Christmas!_

_#_

Thomas descended the staircase and went down to the servant's hall. The others were bustling about to prepare breakfast. But Jimmy was nowhere to be seen.

_It's strange. Every time you're looking for him he seems to be untraceable._

"Merry Christmas, Thomas!"

Thomas raised his head. "Merry Christmas, Anna! Err…you're here that early?"

Anna gave him a wide smile. "Yes, Mr Carson ordered for us to come here earlier. He needs every one of us today."

"And I thought you and Bates would have a little bit of time just for you two today."

"Chance would be a fine thing!" Anna left for the kitchen.

Thomas followed her. He got along with her well now. Also his relationship to Daisy had grown friendlier and closer. Even with Mr Bates he could manage now.

_Times have changed._

Chaos controlled the kitchen. The table was crowded with various very delicious looking dishes for the Christmas dinner.

"One always wonders who should eat that all" Thomas muttered more to himself than to anyone else.

"I can tell you" Daisy agreed.

"What can you tell him?" O'Brien entered the kitchen.

Thomas rolled his eyes at Daisy. She returned his shirty look with a smirk.

"Just that you could make yourself useful" Thomas said to O'Brien.

"Watch out what you're saying, Thomas" she replied sharply. The expression in her eyes was hostile. But in some strange way it cheered Thomas up.

"Leave him alone, Miss O'Brien. And take this over to the servant's hall." Mrs Patmore pressed a tray in the lady's maid's hands.

O'Brien shot her a vicious gaze. "Am I degraded to a footman now?"

"That was enough of disparaging comments for today, thank you, Miss O'Brien" Carson's voice rumbled behind them. "I suppose we all know how to do our work."

"Of course, Mr Carson." The expression on O'Brien's face grew even more sinister. To Thomas she hissed, "You'll be sorry!"

As for response Thomas gave her a smug smile.

As soon as she had left the room, Daisy, Thomas and Ivy began to chuckle. It was just too funny watching Carson cutting O'Brien down to size. Thomas threw an amused glance at Daisy. She returned the grin.

"What is there to laugh about?" the butler wanted to know.

"Nothing, Mr Carson. There's absolutely nothing" Thomas answered with feigned seriousness and a suppressed laugh.

"Good. Then I suppose that you all get back to your work. Immediately." The butler left the kitchen.

They all had to control themselves not to burst into laughter.

_I didn't expect this day to be that funny._

With a content smile on his lips Thomas returned to his work.

#

The whole day things were put from here to there; trays were carried up and down. Thomas spent most of his time in the hall supervising the others decorating the room. He didn't cross Jimmy's way often.

_Fortunately._

He didn't want to let this day be spoiled for him, even if he still worried much about his friend.

_Today's Christmas! Cheer up a little!_

The preparations for the feast were running at full steam. Everything had to be done until the evening and such as perfect as possible.

Carson seemed to be everywhere all the time and controlled every tiniest step they made. Thomas tried to ignore that decently but that wasn't an easy task when he had Carson looking over his shoulder all the time, inspecting his work.

_He can make us drudge but he can't forbid us to have a little bit of fun._

_#_

The evening looked set to become quite funny. They were all together in the servant's hall; each of them with a glass of wine in one hand, chattering, laughing. Jimmy sat at the piano and played a light-hearted melody. Christmas seemed to have washed away all his dark thoughts, worries and bad mood. Thomas was glad about that. He was immensely relieved to see his friend so happy and hilarious again. While the family was celebrating upstairs they were having a whale of a time downstairs. Thomas hadn't been in such a good mood for ages. At least not for the last few weeks.

In the course of the evening they all had a couple of drinks. Molesley was the first to be drunk. Not before long he was slouched on a chair and snored loudly.

_Molesley at his best._

Daisy, Ivy and Alfred danced and Thomas stood next to Jimmy at the piano, watching his fingers fly over the keys.

_He plays marvellous._

Thomas could barely tear himself from his sight. The smile that had seemed so forced this morning now wouldn't leave his lips. He just felt good. All his worries were gone for the evening.

It got later and later. Carson and Mrs Hughes had already retired to bed and Anna and Bates were about to leave for their little cottage.

Thomas recognized how the rest of them got more drunk the later it got. He wanted to keep Jimmy from drinking too much but he didn't really succeed. Finally his friend was so boozed that he couldn't even walk straight. Thomas didn't let him out of his sight for even one moment. But when he was talking to Daisy his attention was diverted. When he looked up again, Jimmy was nowhere to be seen.

"Bugger!" he cursed under his breath. "You don't pay attention for one second and he's already…"

"What's the matter?" Daisy asked him with a wondering glare in her eyes, but Thomas had already left the room. He went down the corridor. Then he suddenly heard a noise which came from the kitchen.

A restrained giggle, a chuckle. Slowly Thomas approached the door. His hand grabbed the door knob and cautiously turned it. He cracked the door open and immediately froze totally thunderstruck. He couldn't believe his eyes! Jimmy was in the kitchen together with Ivy. They were obviously drunk. Ivy's hands were on Jimmy's neck and she was giggling non-stop. He was about to kiss her.

"What the…?!" Thomas spluttered. He had pushed the door open further in the meantime.

Ivy seemed to notice him. "Oops!" she said.

Jimmy turned around. The upper part of his shirt was unbuttoned. He stared at Thomas. Thomas wasn't sure if Jimmy even realized that he had caught him just now.

Thomas stood there rooted to the spot. Then he suddenly spun around and stormed up the stairs.

He ran to his room and slammed the door behind him. What did he think? Why did he let himself believe Jimmy had feelings for him for just one moment?

_He's just like the others, _Thomas thought bitterly.

_Not a bit different._

_And I thought he can't stand Ivy! I thought she annoys him!_

Another voice raised in his head.

_He's drunk._

But Thomas made it shut up.

_What's the difference?_

Suddenly all his words had lost their meaning. Everything Jimmy had said, what he _possibly_ had meant. Thomas buried his face in the pillow. He tried to fight the tears which were coming up.

_Bloody hell! How could he?!_

He was finished with Christmas. The joy he had felt just moments ago had vanished. Thomas raised his head. He stared at the wall, a grim expression on his face. He could just as well get to sleep. He wasn't in a festive mood anymore. He took off the uniform, ripped off the shirt and threw it into the corner of the room. Finally he sank on his bed, eyes down. His mind was empty, there were no more thoughts.

_Nothing. Absolutely nothing._

He felt just like that. All of a sudden the tiredness overwhelmed him and the sadness and anger dissipated. He let himself fall. A tear rolled down his cheek. With an expressionless face he stared at the ceiling until he finally passed into a restless sleep.


	7. Chapter 7

_(Jimmy's point of view)_

The next day Thomas was very absent-minded. He spoke to no one, carried out his work silently and avoided everybody. Jimmy didn't know what the matter was with his friend.

_Your recent behaviour scared and confused him._

_You're very good at that. Confusing people._

_You must tell him! And this time not so disguisedly but properly. So that he's able to understand you._

Jimmy stared at the tray he was holding. If only this was so easy! But there was something more. Jimmy could tell that by looking at Thomas. Something that must have happened not long ago. But he couldn't remember anything. This endless back-and-forth, this avoiding-each-other, it really wore him down.

_You have to end this!_

The problem was that only he could do so. Thomas still had no clue what Jimmy had wanted to tell him.

_But he must at least have an idea! Wasn't I clear enough?_

_Obviously not._

_Or he knows it already and doesn't speak out because he's afraid it isn't what I meant._

Well, that would be an explanation.

_And one that actually makes sense._

Suddenly Jimmy was dragged out of his thoughts.

Ivy was coming up to him. "You're quite the thoughtful one today, aren't you?" she asked in a happy tone and touched his arm.

_Dangerously close._

Jimmy flinched.

Ivy withdrew her hand. "Jimmy? Are you alright?"

Jimmy threw a confused and at the same time angry gaze at her. "What do you want, actually?" he hissed.

The kitchen maid looked somehow hurt. "Jimmy! What's the matter with you?"

"Since when are we on familiar terms, he? Did I miss something?"

"But don't you remember? Last night…"

Then it began to dawn on Jimmy. He and Ivy, last night in the kitchen...

_And Thomas caught us!_

_Bugger! That's why he's in that grotty mood today!_

_Oh no. What have you done now?!_

He had to talk to him. Immediately.

"I don't know what you're talking about" Jimmy lied.

Ivy looked at him in consternation. "But we…"

"Well, I don't know what it is you dreamed of or if you just drank too much last night, but there was nothing between us and there won't be anything as well."

_Explicit words. Hopefully._

_Heaven, _you _were the one who was boozed! Ok, she also had had some drinks but you?_

_Drunk as hell._

_For God's sake, Jimmy!_

He put down the tray. "Excuse me" he mumbled before he stormed out. He didn't notice Daisy giving Ivy a mischievous look.

Where was Thomas? He had to find him!

In his rush he almost ran into Carson.

The butler eyed him suspiciously. "Where are you heading for in such a hurry, James?"

"I have to find Thom...err, Mr Barrow. Did you see him?"

"No, I have not. But I suppose he's got work to do, just like you." This wasn't only a statement but a very clear demand.

But Jimmy ignored it. He didn't have time!

"But it's important, Mr Carson! Really!"

"Well, whatever it is, it will have to wait. Mr Barrow isn't here at the moment."

Jimmy let down his guard. "Why? Where is he?"

"That's none of your concern! But if it's essential for you to know it, he's in the village to run an errand."

"And when will he be back?"

"You're quite curious, James. Since when are you so close to Mr Barrow?"

"We're friends, does that offend you?"

_Not so bold, Jimmy! Watch out!_

"Please, Mr Carson, I have to know it. It's very important!"

"I don't know when Mr Barrow will return. When he finished for what he went, I suppose." The butler's voice sounded sharp and obviously not very pleased about this conversation.

"If you could get back to your work then…"

"Of course, Mr Carson." Jimmy bowed his head and buzzed off.

Thomas was in the village? Then it could take hours until he would be able to talk to him.

_Maybe he tries to get out of that. Perhaps that's the reason why he went into the village._

_Quite possible._

Jimmy stopped and leaned against the wall of the corridor. He would have to catch Thomas as soon as he returned.

#

A few hours later, when Thomas still hadn't returned, Jimmy sneaked out into the courtyard.

_When he comes back, he'll take this entrance for sure._

But he didn't come. Jimmy waited for quite some time in the cold; but when Thomas still was nowhere to be seen after a while he finally gave in and went back into the house.

_You were right. He went because he doesn't want to see you._

Jimmy sighed. His heart hurt. And he was sure about his feelings now, though! There was nothing he doubted anymore!

Feeling crestfallen he leaned against the wall in the corridor. Then he suddenly heard a noise. In an instant Jimmy was alerted and looked up.

_Thomas!_

The under-butler was about to come in. Jimmy freed from his position and stepped up to him.

"Thomas!"

"I don't have time now, Jimmy."

How much it hurt to be rejected.

_Now you know how he must have felt during the last two weeks._

"But…"

"I said I don't have time now!" And with that Thomas pushed past him and went down the corridor straight to Mr Carson's office. He knocked, opened the door and then he disappeared.

_Why?_

Jimmy didn't understand it. There he was, eventually ready to tell him, and then Thomas suddenly didn't have time for him anymore.

_Well, after what happened last night…_

But he hadn't meant to do that! He didn't even like Ivy! He just had been drunk and let himself get carried away into this!

_That doesn't change anything._

Jimmy hung his head. That wouldn't lead to anything. He would have to leave it at that for today. Thomas would hardly show any more to willingness to talk to him later that day. Disappointed Jimmy shuffled back into the kitchen and addressed himself back to his work.

* * *

_**So this was the penultimate chapter. I hope you liked it! Thanks for all the nice reviews, they really complete my day! ;D**_


	8. Chapter 8

It was New Year's Eve. The last day of the year. But Jimmy wasn't in the mood for celebrating. He hid himself behind loads of work the whole day and did everything he could find to do. But finally the evening came and with it the time at which the family didn't need them anymore. And the point at which Jimmy didn't have any more work to do. He should be in a good mood, celebrating the New Year but he didn't felt like it. He sneaked away from the others as soon as possible. He decided to go out. Maybe a bit of fresh air would blow his sorrows away. Jimmy exceptionally left the house through the main entrance. He had made only a few steps as he jerked to a stop. In front of him, a few metres away from the entrance, there stood somebody.

_Thomas?_

_What does he do outside?_

Jimmy took a deep breath.

_That's your chance. Maybe the last one you'll get, so what are you waiting for?_

He did some unsure steps towards Thomas. The snow crunched under his feet. Only a few more metres separated him from his friend. He finally came to a stop next to him.

"Hello, Thomas."

Thomas looked up, startled. When he saw Jimmy, his face darkened. "Jimmy" he just said in a toneless voice and nodded at him.

"Here you are, then."

"Hm" came the monosyllabic answer.

"Thomas, I…I'm sorry. " Jimmy didn't know how to start.

"What for?" Thomas still sounded cold and unfriendly.

_Almost hostile._

The tone of his voice scared Jimmy. He completely forgot what he wanted to say.

"Ehm…I…I noticed that you saw us in the kitchen. At Christmas."

"That's what you want to talk about?"

"Yes, that's it and I wanted to tell you that there was nothing between…me and Ivy. Really, there was absolutely nothing!" Jimmy assured him.

"And why should I be interested in that?"

_He still acts like it's nothing to him._

"Because…because…I thought you liked me!"

"And? What's the point? We're friends, at least I think so."

_He cannot be serious!_

Jimmy grabbed Thomas' arm when he wanted to leave.

"Wait!"

"What do you want?" Thomas snapped angrily.

"I need to talk to you!"

"Again? I thought you already told me everything."

Jimmy could barely stand the way he was speaking with him.

_Now I'm absolutely certain. There's no doubt to it anymore._

"Yes but…Did you figure out what I wanted to tell you?"

"No."

Jimmy sighed.

_Now or never. Go ahead, then._

"I wanted to tell you that…Thomas, the last two weeks, it was all my fault. I shouldn't have been so rude to you. I didn't mean to hurt you!"

Thomas features seemed to mellow a bit.

"As I said, I…" But suddenly Jimmy cut himself off. "No. First you need to promise me something."

Thomas looked at him in confusion. "Promise? Promise you what? Honestly I don't know what you want from me, Jimmy."

"Promise me that we will stay friends forever. No matter what happens." He didn't look at Thomas while saying that but he felt his gaze lingering on him.

For a moment Thomas said nothing. Then he mumbled with a hint of confusion in his voice, "Of course. Of course we will stay friends. Why shouldn't we?"

"Because…maybe you won't like me anymore when you know what I…"

"Jimmy, it would be much easier if you just told me instead of beating about the bush."

_He's right. I'm only making things worse._

For a moment Jimmy was tempted to run away but he changed his mind.

_No, this time you tell him!_

"I saw you. The night you were in courtyard and cried" he finally muttered under his breath.

That made Thomas completely perplex and speechless.

"You…" he began but his voice broke off.

"I was standing at my window and then I saw you." Eventually Jimmy raised his head and looked at him. "I'm so terribly sorry, Thomas!"

"It's ok, Jimmy, that's past. Forgive and forget, ok?"

"Really?" Jimmy asked meekly and glanced at him tentatively.

"Of course. Besides…Do you really think I can be cross with you for long?"

Jimmy smiled shyly. But then the expression on his face changed back to seriousness and he said, "You may ask yourself why I hugged you."

Thomas stared at him, with an unreadable look on his face. "Well, I…felt a bit…surprised" he admitted.

"But that doesn't mean that…" he wanted to add hastily but was interrupted by Jimmy.

"I did that all for a suitable reason. Well, not entirely, _this_ was more a spontaneous action but…I said that I needed to come to terms with something, right?"

"You did, yes."

"And I said that my feelings have changed."

"That's true but I don't see what you're getting at…"

"It's like this…I…I think…" Jimmy swallowed hard. "What I'm trying to say is that…I think I fell in love you." Jimmy couldn't look him in the eyes at this moment. He felt himself blushing. Every bit of blood seemed to rush into his cheeks.

Thomas said nothing.

_Why is he so silent? Why doesn't he say anything? Oh no. I knew it. He doesn't feel like this anymore. I knew it!_

"I'm sorry, I…" Jimmy looked away.

"No, Jimmy! Please, don't be! I…I just can't believe that you said that just now!" Thomas' voice trembled.

_Because of the cold or because of what I said?_

Tentatively Jimmy raised his head again. Finally he dared to look at Thomas. There was happiness in his eyes. Overwhelming happiness but also incredulity.

_Does he still not believe me?_

Jimmy sighed. "What's the use" he mumbled. Then he suddenly leaned closer and kissed Thomas. When their lips met Jimmy felt his heart skipping a beat.

He slowly detached himself from his friend.

"Oh", Thomas voiced.

"You said you can't be cross with me for too long" Jimmy tried to justify himself.

But Thomas just smiled. "Now everything falls into place!"

Jimmy smirked. "Good" he said. Then he couldn't resist kissing Thomas a second time.

This time Thomas returned the kiss.

"And you…really love me? This is not just a wonderful dream and I'm going to wake up in a minute?"

Jimmy laughed. "Of course not! And yes, I love you."

Now he had eventually said it.

"It wasn't that difficult to say that, actually" he said. "And I made such a fuss about it."

Thomas smiled. "Better this way than none." After a short pause he added, "Love is simple. It sometimes seems like it's not, but it is." His eyes wandered into the distance.

Jimmy let his head rest on Thomas' shoulder. "You're right."  
Thomas looked at him, tenderness speaking from his eyes. Jimmy tilted his head so that he could look his friend in the eyes. The smile on his face grew wider. Thomas leaned towards him and placed a gentle kiss on his lips.

"I love you, Jimmy Kent" he whispered in his ear. "You can't imagine how indescribably happy you made me."

Jimmy snuggled up to him. "Oh, I think I can. Because I'm just feeling the same."

They stood in the thick snow, nestled close to each other, their hands linked. Jimmy didn't feel the cold anymore. The warmth that Thomas body was spreading wrapped him comfortingly.

Together they watched the snowflakes dance in the cool air like little white pearls.

#

_(Thomas' point of view)_

Thomas was happy. Unbelievably happy. He could barely believe that Jimmy really felt the same.

_So I was right after all._

But from where could he have taken the affirmation that this was really the case? Jimmy hadn't really given him reason to do so.

_That doesn't matter anymore. He loves me and I love him. That's all that matters now._

Thomas wrapped his arms around Jimmy. He heard loud noises from behind his back. The fireworks began. Thomas looked up into the dark sky. The first fireworks exploded in the black night sky and displayed grand shower of sparks.

"Beautiful, isn't it?" he whispered.

He felt Jimmy nodding. "Yes. It's beautiful."

After a while Thomas suddenly asked, "Would you play something for me? On the piano, I mean. I love to listen to you."

"If you want me to" Jimmy said.

"Yes, I do."

Hand in hand they trudged through the deep snow back to the abbey. In the servant's hall Jimmy sat in front of the piano. "What would you like to hear?"

Thomas shrugged. "Doesn't matter. Just something. I just want to hear you play."

"Ok." Jimmy splayed his fingers and began to play a light melody. First it was tender and quiet but then it grew louder and livelier.

Thomas stood beside him at the piano and watched him. The music filled the whole room. When Jimmy looked up Thomas smiled. Jimmy returned the smile. He looked happy. For the first time in weeks.

_And so are you. Perfectly happy._

_You couldn't give me a better belated Christmas present, Jimmy._

Finally his desire was fulfilled.

Thomas smiled.

_Eventually._

* * *

_**So, here we are. This was the last chapter. Tell me if you liked the ending. Of course it's a happy one. I couldn't let it end without them getting together ;D.** _


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